take care of yourself

I spent a few years as a therapist after graduation, and more time in the profession while a student. As I worked, I noticed that I had to detox after I got home. Aaron was often gone since he stayed on base days and days at a time but if he was home, my detox time could cause a problem until it was defined and respected. See, taking care of people and being "on" for 10 hours a day sucks a lot of life force from a person. I think it is especially difficult for introverts like myself. It is just so draining. (So try a minimum of 13 hours plus a few late-night/early-morning calls.) Way back then my husband and I discussed this need of mine and figured out ways to make it work. Fast forward half a decade and a person is bound to forget things!

It took me a while tonight to figure out why (and it's true as horrible as it sounds) I just didn't care anymore. I was maxed out. You have a problem? Sorry. I just don't care. I can't do any more caring. It is Tuesday and since Saturday I have been going, going, going with a party (a huge energy sucker for me right there), sick kids, 4 trips to the doctor in 4 days (2 of those after-hours), a panic moment this morning when my son couldn't breath right, feeling sick myself and just so many other little things that seem so much larger in real life.

I think what sucked up my last few drops of compassion was Joel whining for hours this afternoon for me to pick him up. It was just sucky all around because Clare is also not feeling well and she's only 6 months so she also wants to be held. Today happened to be the day that the applesauce needed to be made. Who knew my crazy monster of a son would be just the right amount of sick to want his mommy. So I just wanted to cuddle with him but could only steal moments. And the whining, oh the whining (have you had enough of mine yet?). I think I have a moderate to high tolerance of whining, but it does get to me and after a whole afternoon of it, I was on edge.

You know, we nearly got a puppy twice before having babies but both times I dragged my feet. Why? Because I didn't want to have to take care of something! I know, I know! Why in the world was a drawn to the counseling field? And why did I have children? Good questions, but much to complex to address in this post. Oh, as it relates to not wanting to take care of others? See, I think part of the appeal of therapy is to not care for others week after week, but watch and assist as they learn to care for themselves! And children? I hope they don't look back and seem this mother bird pushing them out of the nest before their wings were even dry, but I want them to be independent! Only part of me sees something wrong when a 4-year-old will get up and get herself breakfast on the odd day that I'm still in bed. Yay that she knows how to do it! So long as she feel nurtured in other ways, I think it's great!

So to summarize, the past few days have taken their toll on this mother. I can not and will not be of much value to myself or anyone else if I don't take care of me. My mental state tonight has clued me in that I need to do just that. So I'm getting off now, taking a HOT shower and climbing into bed. And who knows, if the shower rejuvenates, I may even read something fun before I drift off to sleep.