Peeing on Dora

[deep sigh]
There is a talk given by an LDS general authority that I need to get my hands on before I really type this, but since I couldn't find it in my brief search, I will just begin.

There is a difference between bad/wrong behavior and undesirable behavior. Allow me to give you an example. Running a red light is wrong only because it breaks a law. Hitting a person with your car is wrong because it damages that individual. Yes, I get the arguments of how running a red light endangers others, yada yada. My point is, if I'm at a red light in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night... I might run it. If I'm driving down the street with no one else as a witness, I'm still not going to hit a pedestrian (TEN POINTS!) because it is WRONG.

So, what did I learn yesterday during my work day at home? I learned that I can do a much better job of distinguishing when to react as if something is wrong versus when it is just undesirable.

Here's an example from yesterday: It's dinner time (always a contender for the most stressful point in my day), my blood sugar is dropping (always dangerous), Clare needed something (she is only 5 months after all) and Joel (who is potty training himself) pees on the big potty but his aim is off so he leaks onto the Dora training seat. So I run in there, take Dora apart, wash it off and let it dry in the tub. Only he has to poop before it is dry. So back in there we go (thank goodness for a small home), put Dora back together, dry her off and he sits. And sits. Nothing. Okay, back to dinner. But now Katie has to go. Does she remove Dora? No. What do I hear as I try to sit and eat for like the 5th time that night? "I might have peed on the potty seat."

[freeze frame right here]

Peeing on Dora is an inconvenience for mommy. Peeing on Dora is not running a person over with your car. It is not inherently wrong.

[insert 4-year-old's perspective]

I remember when I needed the Dora seat! Joel uses it now. I want to use it too. Hmmmm, this feels different. That might be wet. Maybe it is wet. Did I pee on it? I will tell mommy.

[commentary]

Sounds completely innocent, right? BECAUSE IT IS! She just had to pee! Nothing wrong with that. So she used the potty seat. Nothing wrong with that either, right? Maybe she even misjudged the angle and tinkled a little on the seat - though now that I think about it, it was probably just still a little wet from when it got washed. Still, nothing wrong with that.

[enters stressed out mom whose pre-conscious commentary runs something like this:]

Why the crap couldn't she just move the potty seat! She doesn't need it! She's just trying to be like Joel.

So sad.

At least I didn't say those actually things out loud but my irritation was clear and the message was sent. Not only did I communicate that she did something bad, which, she did not. Perhaps even that she is bad [cringe] , which she certainly is not. She will likely be less inclined to confide in me later.

[damage control]

Notice that child behaves differently. Try to be as objective as possible through the thick layer of guilt. Ask child how she feels. Help her identify emotions. Explain your own/take responsibility and apologize. Move on to something more fun and upbeat.

The Homemaker's School. Always something more to learn.