a missed lesson: nobody's fault

I've added a 3rd most stressful time of the day. (And yes, you can have 3 most. For example, I have 3 children and each is my most favorite.) It is the time when the older two need to get ready for bed and the baby's eyes are red because she's so tired. I sneak into a dark room, wrap her up, kiss her forehead and lay her on my lap while I search the web and rock my legs. (Hey, it works for us.) Doesn't sound too stressful right? Well, add the other ingredients of a 2-year-old cat (or a boy who thinks he's a cat **meoooooow**) and a sensitive teen, uh, 5-year-old and a small house. STRESSFUL because the baby is just almost asleep with the cat comes in meowing loudly while the big girl whines because she can't get the toothpaste on her toothbrush... you get the picture.Cute, nutcases...

Tonight things aren't any worse than normal and then Katie starts really crying. The hurt cry. And Joel's laughing. Apparently, Katherine was leaning on the bathroom door and Joel opened it "on purpose!", she fell and hurt her wrist.
"Can you move it?" "No!" (As she bends it.)
"Okay, keep getting dressed and we'll go from there."
[sob] "Okay!"

The oldest child then goes into the hallway and is confronted by a concerned brother who wants to make sure she is okay. She tells him she doesn't want him to talk to her and that he hurt her.

Now I'm still not quite sure how to deal with this "victim" thinking. It irritates me so I know I have my own personal stuff that flavors my perception of what she's doing. But come on! You were leaning on the door! So, the baby's still on my lap but I say something anyway.

"Katie. I don't think he meant to hurt you."
"Yeah huh. He saw me."
"Honey, you were leaning on the door! He didn't know you would fall when he opened it."

Baby goes to sleep (sweet angel that she is) and we continue with the bedtime routine. And she brings it up again.

In all honesty, I can't now recall how the revelation came but at some point during my "you were leaning on the door" and "he didn't know it was going to hurt you" the light bulb clicked on and Katherine's face changed, "You mean its no body's fault that I got hurt?!" All my "what ifs" and "well maybes" and need for accuracy got shoved down as I said, "Yes."

I don't know if it was anyone's fault? I don't feel qualified to judge that in this situation. What struck me was the questions: Have I missed teaching her that lesson? Because yes, sometimes it is no body's fault. There isn't always blame to go throwing around.

This experience coincides with how lately I've reflected on the ways I respond when Katie states I've injured or damaged her in some way. The little ones are taking their ques from me and I really don't know how to react exactly. Mostly I validate her feeling and move on without accepting the responsibility... uh, even if it really was kind of maybe my fault she missed out on something or I hurt her somehow.

So I don't want to accept too much responsibility thereby reinforcing the idea of being a victim but I don't want to model not being accountable for my own actions. Perhaps, I'll just be straightforward and upfront. Duh, that makes perfect sense.

Still, sometimes things happen and its no body's fault.

Peeing on Dora

[deep sigh]
There is a talk given by an LDS general authority that I need to get my hands on before I really type this, but since I couldn't find it in my brief search, I will just begin.

There is a difference between bad/wrong behavior and undesirable behavior. Allow me to give you an example. Running a red light is wrong only because it breaks a law. Hitting a person with your car is wrong because it damages that individual. Yes, I get the arguments of how running a red light endangers others, yada yada. My point is, if I'm at a red light in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night... I might run it. If I'm driving down the street with no one else as a witness, I'm still not going to hit a pedestrian (TEN POINTS!) because it is WRONG.

So, what did I learn yesterday during my work day at home? I learned that I can do a much better job of distinguishing when to react as if something is wrong versus when it is just undesirable.

Here's an example from yesterday: It's dinner time (always a contender for the most stressful point in my day), my blood sugar is dropping (always dangerous), Clare needed something (she is only 5 months after all) and Joel (who is potty training himself) pees on the big potty but his aim is off so he leaks onto the Dora training seat. So I run in there, take Dora apart, wash it off and let it dry in the tub. Only he has to poop before it is dry. So back in there we go (thank goodness for a small home), put Dora back together, dry her off and he sits. And sits. Nothing. Okay, back to dinner. But now Katie has to go. Does she remove Dora? No. What do I hear as I try to sit and eat for like the 5th time that night? "I might have peed on the potty seat."

[freeze frame right here]

Peeing on Dora is an inconvenience for mommy. Peeing on Dora is not running a person over with your car. It is not inherently wrong.

[insert 4-year-old's perspective]

I remember when I needed the Dora seat! Joel uses it now. I want to use it too. Hmmmm, this feels different. That might be wet. Maybe it is wet. Did I pee on it? I will tell mommy.

[commentary]

Sounds completely innocent, right? BECAUSE IT IS! She just had to pee! Nothing wrong with that. So she used the potty seat. Nothing wrong with that either, right? Maybe she even misjudged the angle and tinkled a little on the seat - though now that I think about it, it was probably just still a little wet from when it got washed. Still, nothing wrong with that.

[enters stressed out mom whose pre-conscious commentary runs something like this:]

Why the crap couldn't she just move the potty seat! She doesn't need it! She's just trying to be like Joel.

So sad.

At least I didn't say those actually things out loud but my irritation was clear and the message was sent. Not only did I communicate that she did something bad, which, she did not. Perhaps even that she is bad [cringe] , which she certainly is not. She will likely be less inclined to confide in me later.

[damage control]

Notice that child behaves differently. Try to be as objective as possible through the thick layer of guilt. Ask child how she feels. Help her identify emotions. Explain your own/take responsibility and apologize. Move on to something more fun and upbeat.

The Homemaker's School. Always something more to learn.

to the pigs!

Last night the kids and I visited a farm all decked out and ready for patrons to spend money on "Fall" activities: giant slide, hay climbing, cotton candy, corn maze, trick-or-treat hay ride... you get the picture. Well, as soon as we got inside the farm the piglet races started so we headed on over. Just as we arrived at the pin the announcer calls for 4-year-olds to come in the pin and participate in a piglet chase. "Oh! I have a 4-year-old." I forgot that she is a shy, sometimes timid 4-year-old who doesn't enjoy being out of her comfort zone. So what does this mommy do? I shove her inside and then what do I hear? My child crying. Poor thing. I felt so bad. She quickly recovered while petting a pony and we talked about it later when I apologized again. Don't shove your child into a pig pin when she has no idea what is going on. Lesson learned - we hope. I'll let you know how next year turns out. :-)