days 9-18 in review

Well, I had a goal of cash-only shopping for the whole month. I didn't quite make it. :-) This set of days I didn't have cash on me - which is the standard around here so I broke out the credit card. BUT I pretended like I only had cash. That means I made my purchases seperate from toiletries and the like and I did not go overboard with shopping for deals.

Results: Came in under budget by about $12! So I'm thinking.... what to do with $12? Then I realize... case lot sales.
Confession time: One month we went through our food budget in [gulp] FIVE days! Because the case lot sales were too fabulous - and I even reeled myself in! So I'm thinking all this "excess" each month will be totaled and then I'll set it aside for when olives are $0.75/can and a 25# bag of sugar is $12. That's when I stock up.

I was even able to buy a few extras this second set of days. Canned corn was a great deal as was soup (a staple for Aaron during the school week).

Anyhow, so far, I think we're doing pretty well.

As a review, making bread does make quite a positive dent in the budget, not going to the store is incredibly helpful, putting on blinders when at the store is also key and making a menu based on the sales has been a fabulous strategy.

Until next time, this is Rebecca, signing off.

what makes a mother?

"So, random thought, I know, but I was just thinking how I knew you before you were a mother, but in my mind you've always been one. Maybe it's just because you're such a natural at it. I hope when people see me they see me as a mother, not just a person with a kid. That is all. :)" 

My sister-in-law posted this on my FB wall. One of the sweetest things anyone has ever written on my "wall", or said out-loud for that matter. While partially awake this morning it got me thinking. Are some parents just people with a kid? Have I ever thought of someone as just a person with a kid? What makes a mother a mother or a father a father? What is that vital piece of the puzzle?

So I thought of one of the worst examples of parenting I could come up with. It happened while I was out with one of my clients in the community. This would have been 2006 or 2007 in North Carolina. As I remember it, a mom was talking to a friend and tried to get a young girl's attention. The girl didn't seem to hear her as she was several houses away. The mother went into some kind of rage but she didn't stop. She just kept verbally beating this little girl down, in public, for all of us to watch. I just kept thinking, "You're the kind of mom whose kid beats up mine in school." It stayed with me. But I've still always thought of that woman as a mother.

But now I'm an over-tired, over-worked, stressed-out, running-mad parent myself. Okay, not everything am I all these things but there are times for certain. I have verbally beat a child down now and again. I've even hit them a few times against my better judgment. Generally, whatever happens in public is thought to escalate at home and, sadly, I've certainly been my worst in the walls of my own home. But I still feel like a mother.

Feeling... heart... perhaps that is where the distinction lies.

When we love our children and the sum total of our actions based on love out weigh the ones stemming from stress or frustration. Maybe then? When we love our children and our intentions are pure even when the resulting actions are not so grand. Maybe then? I don’t know.

One thing's for sure, I'm not qualified to make that judgment. Most people just do their best. And these babies need our best. They need our devotion and care and love. They need a solid foundation from which to build. And each parent's best is different. And each parent's abilities vary. That is okay. With all our imperfections, we still get to be mothers and fathers.

woot woot

Ya'll I went shopping. But let me explain!!! Wednesday I had a mystery shop located in the Springville Walmart. We were also running low on milk and ripe fruit (there's a pear sitting in the friut bowl that is determined not to become appealing) so I needed to make a WIC trip. And I did. And that (plus toilet paper and coasters - NOT FOOD ITEMS) is all I did.

I was mentally set. I knew I don't have the control to not purchase great deals so I simply didn't look. I got what I need, kept my eyes on my list and my children and hurried through the store.

Some of you might understand the significance of this accomplishment, the other set of you and just nod and smile at me.

Heads up for the next trip though. I've noticed that we're running low on things like chicken stock base... and item I like to have on hand but not exactly part of the menu budget and a pretty chunk of my seventyish dollars. [sigh] I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

And that about sums it all up! Thanks for reading. Talk to you next time!

i did it! my first cash-only grocery trip

I did it! I think I mentioned that above... I went grocery shopping with cash. This is probably the first time I’ve intentionally gone to the store with just cash since my credit cards days began at age 17.

I started by breaking out food budget down by day. We have a monthly amount of $240 for food. I considered just doing weeks, but then that leaves 3 days left out to dry at the end of the month. In a month of 31 days that comes to $7.74/day for a family of 5. Now to some people (like Tara) that might not seem steep but I just took it as a challenge (that I expected to fail).

I planned to shop for 9 days of the month with the 1^st already past. That left me with a budget of $69.68. I can do that.

I sat down with the sales papers and theobsessiveshopper.com. I wrote down all the great deals, where they were located and their price. Then I got out some cook books and made a plan of meals based off of the ingredients on sale this week. Plus Kraft Mac-n-Cheese, a special request from Katie. Done and ready to go to the store.

Then Aaron came home. The man was supposed to bring treats to class so he went and purchased a few things. There went $15 and bought me a yummy milk shake he’s wanted to get me for a while. There went $4. So I’m down to $51. ::grumble grumble::

Lesson number one: your family has 2 adults in it that can spend money.

Aaron was home today so he watched a sleeping Joel while the other ladies and I headed to Wally World. Over all, it was a nice experience. Clare slept basically the entire trip and Katie was quiet. Had either of them been a distraction, it would have been much less pleasant. At check out I totaled $42.02. I knew I needed to leave some left over in order to have some wiggle room in case something comes up before next Friday’s trip.

I won’t share my shopping list with you, but let’s focus in on a few things.

Salmon. One of our local stores was selling salmon for $2.99/lbs Best price I’ve seen in over a year. Walmart prices matches. So I pick up 2- 1 lbs bags. We’ll only use one tonight and I’ll add the second to our frozen food storage. This is the type of thing I would normally purchase several more of. So far, I’m not lamenting it because I knew I only had so much on me and a goal (and a blog to hold me accountable) but come the time after next when I want fish… you’ll hear it. I’ll wail that loud.

Leeks. Well, at 2.48/lbs, when I need 2? That’s not gonna happen. Potato and leek soup is off the menu.

I did get some tea for sore throats that was a splurge. Yet I still had money left over.

Now in the spirit of full disclosure during this experiment, we do use WIC. With WIC I can only get certain things so if we didn’t have WIC and I needed to come up with baby food, it wouldn’t cost as much as it did today… but WIC paid for it today and they only have certain items they cover. That being said, milk, tuna, lentils, baby food, and goat milk were covered by the Utah tax payers today (thank you, we really do appreciate it and you can send any hate mail to my email). So I did not count them in my budget or my total.

Lesson two: I only really plan for dinners. Breakfast and lunch are generally covered by WIC and leftovers.

Lesson three: making our own bread is making a financial difference. Since I refuse to do it in the summer, we all better pray Aaron has a job by then.

Lesson four: I haven't redone our food budget in forever. I don't know how much we actually consume. Sometimes I throw in toiletries and such which throw the whole month off. Today, I purchased soap and detergent separately (sorry check out guy).

Conclusion: I might be able to do this… if I can keep myself out of the store for the rest of the week.

a missed lesson: nobody's fault

I've added a 3rd most stressful time of the day. (And yes, you can have 3 most. For example, I have 3 children and each is my most favorite.) It is the time when the older two need to get ready for bed and the baby's eyes are red because she's so tired. I sneak into a dark room, wrap her up, kiss her forehead and lay her on my lap while I search the web and rock my legs. (Hey, it works for us.) Doesn't sound too stressful right? Well, add the other ingredients of a 2-year-old cat (or a boy who thinks he's a cat **meoooooow**) and a sensitive teen, uh, 5-year-old and a small house. STRESSFUL because the baby is just almost asleep with the cat comes in meowing loudly while the big girl whines because she can't get the toothpaste on her toothbrush... you get the picture.Cute, nutcases...

Tonight things aren't any worse than normal and then Katie starts really crying. The hurt cry. And Joel's laughing. Apparently, Katherine was leaning on the bathroom door and Joel opened it "on purpose!", she fell and hurt her wrist.
"Can you move it?" "No!" (As she bends it.)
"Okay, keep getting dressed and we'll go from there."
[sob] "Okay!"

The oldest child then goes into the hallway and is confronted by a concerned brother who wants to make sure she is okay. She tells him she doesn't want him to talk to her and that he hurt her.

Now I'm still not quite sure how to deal with this "victim" thinking. It irritates me so I know I have my own personal stuff that flavors my perception of what she's doing. But come on! You were leaning on the door! So, the baby's still on my lap but I say something anyway.

"Katie. I don't think he meant to hurt you."
"Yeah huh. He saw me."
"Honey, you were leaning on the door! He didn't know you would fall when he opened it."

Baby goes to sleep (sweet angel that she is) and we continue with the bedtime routine. And she brings it up again.

In all honesty, I can't now recall how the revelation came but at some point during my "you were leaning on the door" and "he didn't know it was going to hurt you" the light bulb clicked on and Katherine's face changed, "You mean its no body's fault that I got hurt?!" All my "what ifs" and "well maybes" and need for accuracy got shoved down as I said, "Yes."

I don't know if it was anyone's fault? I don't feel qualified to judge that in this situation. What struck me was the questions: Have I missed teaching her that lesson? Because yes, sometimes it is no body's fault. There isn't always blame to go throwing around.

This experience coincides with how lately I've reflected on the ways I respond when Katie states I've injured or damaged her in some way. The little ones are taking their ques from me and I really don't know how to react exactly. Mostly I validate her feeling and move on without accepting the responsibility... uh, even if it really was kind of maybe my fault she missed out on something or I hurt her somehow.

So I don't want to accept too much responsibility thereby reinforcing the idea of being a victim but I don't want to model not being accountable for my own actions. Perhaps, I'll just be straightforward and upfront. Duh, that makes perfect sense.

Still, sometimes things happen and its no body's fault.

$$$the rest of the days and Divine intervention$$$

Well, day 10 ended up being chicken enchiladas. That's when I realized we only had 4 tortillas left and no canned enchilada sauce with no time to make my own.  :-) Oh well! Heavily stuffed tortillas and tomatoes for a sauce.

Thanksgiving leftovers served us for nearly a solid week after Turkey day so that took up most of the end of the month! And they were soooo yummy. It's one of the few times a year I have gravy. And I do enjoy me some gravy.

The frozen pizza dough turned into 2 pizzas and a calzone (since I ran out of sauce). Those were yummy, but, I did mention I love pizza, right? And there was a McDonald's evening but I wanted to meet a friend and when you have kids they need somewhere to run around so McD's it was.

If I'm going to be honest (oh, I don't like this)... I WENT TO THE STORE!!!! But I did limit myself! I'M SORRY! I HAD TO!!! But was only a few times!!!! Okay, maybe "had" is a strong word, but, but, but.... Well there we ingredients to our Thanksgiving contributions and okay, while I was there it is impossible for me to not to pick up great deals I KNOW we'll use when I can get them for tremendous discounts. I know, I know! But there is a balance, right? I'll borrow from December! (Which is why I may borrow from January in December, it's a vicious cycle.)

Still, our freezer is less full, the food lasted longer than I anticipated it would and I might have spent $ at the grocery store but it was much less than it would have been without this little task at hand.

During one of these said trips I had an interesting experience. I forgot my wallet and by a stroke of luck (or Divine intervention) I happened to have Katie's preschool $ in cash because I forgot to drop it off first. After realizing what I'd done and that I would have to pay for everything with cash I found myself being very conscious not just of "this is a great deal on something we use!" but also, "do I have enough cash on me right now to pay for it?" So, I've toyed with the idea and [gulp] I think I will pay for our groceries this month in cash. Only cash and only groceries. Let's see how much we really DO eat. There, I typed it and now I can't go back.

I'm always torn. If you stock your pantry with sale items you'll use later, then use those items you are basically always eating at a discount. I like to think of it as shopping your pantry. Now, this is smart. BUT if you don't have the money then you don't have it! No matter how great the deal is. So. I'll try an experiment and see if maybe I can find that balance somewhere in the month of December.

I'm terrified.

gratitude tree

"The more we expressed gratitude, the more there was to be grateful for." quoted by Bonnie D. Parkin

Last year I got an idea in my head and it turned into a tree-shaped paper on our wall with leaves taped to it. On each leaf was something someone in the family was grateful for. Katherine really jumped into the project and we kept a small basket with pre-cut leaves and a marker out so that throughout the weeks she and I would think of new things to add to our grateful tree.

This year the tree was shaped a tad different, the leaves look less like leaves than they did last year and Joel, who is now verbal, was able to express his gratitude for: Jesus, houses, kittens. It looked a little different but the kids were enthusiastic!

Throughout life there are trials, bumps, difficulties, heart-ache, pain, anguish, misfortune and abyssal moments. Holding onto gratitude can be like the lifeline to a ship if you've fallen overboard. I content that there is always something to be grateful for and learning to look for those things, learning to carry a sense of gratitude with you on a regular basis, can guard you against depression and negativity. It keeps you humble and generous. I helps keep perspective. "...for one cannot feel pride and gratitude at the same time." [S. Michael Wilcox] So I want my kids to see this, to learn this and to practice it. I want them to be protected in this world where men's hearts fail them. I will not be there in person as they walk their college campuses and converse with their high school friends. They will need to have an inner spring from which to take from. They will already need to be practiced at feeling grateful. So, we're starting early.

days 5, 6, 7 and 8/9

Day 5 - left overs. We love left overs at our house.

Day 6 - dinner with family.

Day 7.
I thawed out some chunks of dead cow and marinated them in teriyaki sauce (love me some teriyaki). Made some roasted potatoes, left over cauliflower and peas from yesterday and grapes.

Of course the kids wouldn't eat pieces of steak even if it is tenderized from 36 hours of marinading... so they got cheese quesadillas. Works for me.

Days 8/9
Tonight I have prepared for you a white chicken chili. My first time concocting such a culinary treat that includes chicken and peppers from the freezer. For future reference, you can't  begin a crock pot meal in the later afternoon and expect it to be satisfactory by dinner. Therefore, we had pot stickers (from the freezer), green beans, pears and grapes tonight. Tomorrow (day 9) we shall dine on the chicken chili for lunch. AND since I prepared more chicken than I needed, chicken pot pie or chicken enchiladas might make an appearance tomorrow! I know, I'm so excited I almost peed my pants too!

pizza pizza day 4

I couldn't have pizza every day. But I could certainly chow down once a week and not get tired of the stuff. So tonight was nice. :-) We made home-made pizza. I have an easy bread recipe that works fine for pizza crust so I whipped up a batch of
[Katie is reading this as I type and has needed help with only 3 words. I am proud of her reading skills. THEN I realized I might speak/write at an elementary level.]
crust and sectioned it out into one for each older child, a large one of the adults and the remaining I shaped in to three pieces and stuck in the freezer (yes, I broke a rule for the rest of the month).

Some tomato sauce with seasoning, cheese and toppings.... here comes the freezer. I (apparently) have a few rolls of MSG-free sausage. I thawed and cooked one of those. I also have slices of green pepper that I cut up frozen and tossed on top. A can of mushrooms, a can of olives and you have some pretty good pizza.

Apple sauce and cucumbers to go with it. The kids made their own, choosing their own toppings, smashing the cheese into the sauce and making a merry ol' mess! They loved it and ate well.

Okay, so I did add to my freezer tonight. I hadn't planned on it but, well, sorry, I did. I'll try to use up the dough before the end of the month. I almost made cal zones out of the dough but laziness got the best of me. :-)

what % of your $ is spent on your home?

Me and my nerdy self finally sat down to do something I've wanted to accomplish for a while. And since the internet provides a to share personal information without feeling like it's crossing any boundaries AND because it might help someone else out, ya'll get to see my figures. :-)

This provides a break down of our continueally evolving budget catagories and the percentage of monthly income we delegate (notice I said "delegate" not actually "spend") in each. Give yours a whirl and see what you get!

The math is pretty straight forward. Take how much you pay each month for mortgage, let's say... $850 divide it by your total monthly take home let's say... $3000. Then multiply that figure by 100 to make it a percentage. So for my example here:
850/3000*100
this couple spends 28.3% of their monthly budget on their mortgage.

Here's what I discovered today:
tithing/fast offering/charities                                                     13.4
mortgage/home insurance/taxes                                               24.4
extra to pay off principle                                                           1.6

phones                                                                                     2.5
health ins.                                                                                 8.8
AAA membership                                                                     0.4
Car ins.                                                                                    2.1
Spending money                                                                       3.6
(clothing, fast food, anything extra for the individual)
Internet                                                                                     1.6
(currently less since I called about changing to another company)
Home gas                                                                                 2.1
Utilities                                                                                     4.6
(we aren’t that extravagant, Salem City has high utility charges)
Preschool                                                                                 2.3
Car registration                                                                         0.6
Christmas gifts                                                                          0.4
Date night (when it happens)                                                   1.4
Gas for cars                                                                              5.3
Food                                                                                        8.5
Other                                                                                      14.5
(toiletries, car repairs, redbox, art supplies[Aaron])
Savings                                                                                    1.9       

"AAA membership," you laugh. But let me tell you, not budgeting that in makes for a great big surprise every May! A friend of mine makes a yearly budget. I thought she was crazy, but now I get it. Think about Christmas and birthday gifts. Do you save for those? If you don't and if you are on a tight budget, you either go without giving, scrimp by the rest of that month or go over budget! So this year - it is my first year doing it - I budgeted for Christmas. Not much (obviously) about the same I budget for AAA membership apparently. :-) So, um, don't be surprised if they are homemade again this year. :-) 


Breaking things down this way puts your budget into a different perspective than just using dollar figures. Take my above example of a $850 mortgage payment on a $3000/month take home. Telling yourself that $850 for the chance to live in a nice home, safe neighborhood and 2-car garage isn't so bad is probably true. But if you only bring home $3000/month you are spending nearly one-third of your expendable income on your home! Living is likely to be a large expense but think of it like this: if you lose your income or it becomes reduced, your ability to make those house payments each month become more and more jeapordized with each percentage increase. It looks like 25% is suggested as a comfortable number. 


Notice what isn't in my list up there? Retirement. Notice what is barely peaking its tiny head through? Savings. I think about this a lot, but at the moment, what you see is about as well as we can do. Here's to praying that we have no major catastrophe before my hubby graduates and is able to find meaningful employment.

Now I am by no means an expert. I know some of you know far more than I do. So please, feel free to comment below.

Thank you and have a nice day. :-)

day 3... i didn't want to do it

Day 3 has rolled around. In preparation I dug through our large freezer downstairs and found some ground beef (thought that was all gone) and stew meat and thawed them in the fridge over night. These bundles of protein were generously donated by my husband's aunt and dead cow who had too much of the dead cow. :-) We sure have appreciated them.

All afternoon I kept wondering what to make. And the only thing that kept coming to me was Robyn's Stroganoff. Except, that's what Robyn made on Sunday and even though it is a meal I enjoy, I just wasn't in the mood today. But when 4 rolled around (oh that hour!) and Katie was hungry and I realized I'd forgotten about lunch again (for me, the kids got fed); stroganoff it was. Normally, our meals are dictated by what I'm in the mood for but since I felt the pinch and the meat was there, I went for it. An experiment within an experiment: will Rebecca eat what she cooked when she didn't want to cook it? Results? Oh, I ate it, but I didn't love it. Am I the only (non pregnant) one whose whimsical food moods have such control over what is consumed??? I swear it's only gotten worse with age. Hmm, I say that about a lot of things. :-)

Anyhow, Robyn's Stroganoff served over whole wheat pasta and steamed carrots this evening. The beef was the only freezer ingredient. Man, only day 3 and I'm already losing some pizazz. :-)

day 2

Freezer items:
prepared chicken/cheese/broccoli thing
2 prepared salmon/crab thing

Pantry items:
instant rice
parsley
canned mushrooms
oil

Fridge items:
parm cheese
butter
onion
carrots

Tonight I baked the pre-made things I purchased who knows when, but on sale. Then I threw together an attempt at risotto that I'm sure pales in comparison to the real stuff, but tasted GREAT anyway (I mean, what wouldn't with that much butter and cheese????). And then people started needing me so carrots for veggies!

I always buy these fun things when they are a great deal and tuck them away in the freezer for "just in case" days. But then I never feel like the day justifies a "just in case". So that is something this month is about. I'm using up all these fun things like salmon crab thingys. :-)

Aaron stole the camera today or I'd have a picture up for you. I know, I can hear the cries from here.

freezer cooking day 1

Welcome to my first post under "economist". I've known since before the birth of this blog that the job title of economist would be a must for any homemaker, but I didn't know quite yet what to write. And then, as it always does, life presented me with an opportunity AND a friend with a suggestion.

So, somehow I managed to burn through our entire month's grocery budget in half the month. "How?" asked a husband. "Uh, I don't know," replied the wife. I should probably go check my account (I write down EVERYTHING we spend) and track this problem down. But, back to being on track...

I had the chance to talk to my wonderful friend today (::wink:: @ Temma) while I lamented cooking meals to only share with my children since the hubby is gone most evenings out of the week. We yacked about a few ideas and tossed some things around. She asked if I cook extra and then freeze? Well, I do, but... Hmmm, I thought, the freezer is getting kind of full. Then, around 4 (my what-to-make-tonight hour of the day) I examined my pantry and decided I wanted to make Spanish rice. GREAT! But I wanted to add meat to make it more substantial for the kids and my nursing self. And then, DING DING DING, I remembered the 1/2# ground turkey I cooked and froze. Perfect!

Spanish rice (yummy, btw) with spinach (more for color than nutrition really), steamed broccoli (also from the freezer) and olives. It was yummy. Successful dinner + full freezer + no money = my attempt to cook each meal the rest of this month using things from our freezer(s).

Oh, no worries, I fully expect to fail. I mean, how much does a freezer or two really hold when you use it as your go-to every night (well, you know, when you cook anyway) and purposely don't replenish your stock? Can you even make appealing meals using freezer items? Can you make the nutritious and balanced? How long would your freezer food storage last... really?

The answers to these riveting questions and more, when we return!

some people are just mean

Daddy getting ready to nudge an unsuspecting Katie into the water. July 2011

Over the past few days Katie’s (now 5) asked a couple times some variation of, “Why is everyone being mean to me?!”

Yesterday, my initial attempt to address that question was to wade into the idea that her perspective influences how she feels about situations. Well, actually, this is hardly the first time we’ve headed down the perspective alley, but normally the issue is having a difference of opinion, not how she feels. I kind of fumbled over my words and missed the touch down. After she went to bed I realized my play was all wrong.

You see, people have been mean to her over the past few days! Well, at least, my perception of reality matches hers on this point. When your little brother tears your drawing just because you specifically told him not to, well, that’s mean! This wasn’t about changing her perception; it was about choosing how to react. Mommy missed the boat on that one.

I brought it up today but she was soooo not interested (she’s gonna be a fun teenager, let me tell you). I don’t doubt life will provide further opportunities to teach her. Problem is, example/modeling is the best teacher, right? Want to know how I handle it when someone is purposely mean to me? I usually do one of 3 things, 1) smile and reply with a snarky and cutting comment, 2) wonder what is wrong with me (as if I’m the reason every person has a bad day) and want to cry, or 3) fight back… sometimes pretty dirty. I’ll admit, I’ve toned it down in my old age, but I really need to get on the ball. After all, I’ll have a tween in 6 years and a teenager in 8. Guess who will be wearing the largest target for my daughter’s the-world-hates-me drama at that point? ME!!!!!!! Oh, and I guess I could teach her how to live her life so that another person's bad day doesn't ruin her own.

truce

Whole wheat bread and I have called a truce. I won't abuse it any longer and it will continue to give me its best, even if it isn't what I find the stores. I have a recipe I like, my family eats it, it does rise (those it sinks down a little later), it's not a difficult recipe... I mean, I shouldn't complain. No, it's not super pretty like the perfect store loaves but maybe it's just the best I can do at this point in time. So be it. I'm still happy with it. :-)

bleach in dish water

[Am I the only one that has noticed that under the "maid" tab this is only my second post? Guess what I don't spend much time doing around here. :-)]

My husband and I have had a debate for years over whether or not to use bleach in the dishwater. I should point out that we hand wash our dishes, and will continue to do so until we win the lottery. After several arguments we basically left it at letting the person who is washing decide if bleach should be used. (Um, I may have added some to his sink full when he wasn't looking. But only when baby items or the such were involved!!! So stop judging!) Now, in my husband's senior year of college, I basically do all the washing.

As a compromise, I purchased Dawn with Bleach Alternative. Used that for a while but things just didn't seem to be as clean. I also tried for a long while to just not use bleach but my sink and counters started to look dirtier themselves. So now I'm back to bleach and Dawn, Dawn and bleach. But not too much bleach... I think. And I have an order I wash things in (I know, I know....). Not a strict one, but if I have kid drink or baby items, I wash those before the pan my raw chicken was marinating in gets dunked. You know, just in case.

I've been "researching" (maybe the number 3 thing I do as a homemaker, but I have yet to figure out how to organize it into a tab on this blog) and coming up with a wide variety of mixed results. So, I still don't know. Here are some of the better pieces of information I ran across:

The rule of thumb I've learned from health inspectors is to dunk your arm in the sanitize sink and pull it out. If you want to be fussy about it, there are test strips available. There should be a faint smell of bleach on the skin. The official requirement is usually 50-100 ppm of bleach, or one teaspoon per gallon.

So, "three thimbles" of bleach to a sink is close enough to commercial health code specs for home use, and certainly not going to harm anyone.

 Did I select this to be first because I'm biased?

My husband the Heath Inspector said: Putting the bleach in a dishwasher at the beginning of the cycle is useless, the bleach will get washed out. In most commercial dishwashers the bleach dispenses at the end of the cycle. Not enough to hurt anyone.

Okay, but I hand wash. Next...

Are you washing your dishes with raw sewage? Do you have some reason to suspect that your dishwater harbors some unholy bacterial colonies? If not, then you have no need for the bleach. You don't need antibacterial soap either. Regular soap does the same thing. Both do more harm than good. 

He has a point. But what about raw chicken juice? That's like sewage.

I don't believe such a small amount would be hazardous to your health. Diluted bleach is used all the time for disinfecting restaurant surfaces and can actually be used to sanitize drinking water. I'd be more worried about the other chemicals in your general cleanser than the bleach.

If your dishes are washed clean and rinsed with clean water, there should be no reason to further sanitize them, I'd consider the bleach treatment overkill. 

 So I guess the jury is still out. But I wipe my counters down after I wash dishes and my sink seems cleaner and I just like it. So I think I'll continue to use bleach; for now.

acceptance - a baby with down syndrome

Upon the birth of our third child, an incredible and purple baby girl, we learned she has Trisomy 21 (aka Down Syndrome). After nearly 3 months of being blessed to be her mother, the follow thoughts occurred to me and I wrote this:

my babe at nearly 8 months

My very first thought about Clare's diagnosis was something along the lines of "I don't want to deal with this!" It took me a full 24 hours to call her "pretty" (which crushes me now because she just is so beautiful) because I didn't want to say it until I meant it. And the child grew on me. :-) It's odd, as a mom, to love a baby but to have to learn to look past a difference. A friend said that you grieve for the child you thought you would have (whether that be boy/girl, or special needs/typically developing). And it's true. I needed to do that, but at the same time I fell in love with this perfect little being.

Tonight I realized I could say with 100% certainty that if given the chance I would not remove that extra chromosome. Not because it would change who Clare is; I believe I would have fall in love with this child regardless of her number of chromosomes. No, I wouldn't change the DS if I could just because I don't see it as bad. I just see it as is. Like hair color. Now, I am sure this has something to do with the fact that so far - thank you, Lord - we have not dealt with the medical problems too often associated with the genetic abnormality, and I always reserve the right to change my mind. But right now, I would not change a thing. I wouldn't make Katie shorter or Joel more handsome or Clare with fewer chromosomes because those things just are and they are okay. I'm sure most people don't understand. And hey, up until today I wouldn't have even believed to hear someone say it. But I mean it.

Perhaps part of it is because of acceptance. Acceptance of differences, of life circumstances beyond my control, of others, of myself just as we are has never been a strong point. But I have strived for improvement for more than a decade now and maybe this is just another step on that path. To see this little girl and accept her, all of her. Not in the "sure you can join our group because we're gonna be nice to you despite the fact that we don't like something about you so we'll try to ignore it" sense of acceptance. But REAL acceptance. The kind where you don't even see the difference. "What? There is a difference? Just thought it was another way of being human, didn't even think of it as "different"" kind of acceptance.

Cliche or not, having her in my life has already taught me a great deal. Scratch that. More significantly, I've had to grow a great deal. I don't even think I've noticed all that much because generally growth in my life has been painful. This doesn't hurt at all. It's amazing and wonderful and I'm loving it. She's wonderful and I love her.

best time of your life?

Met a friend of mine, Faith, at the mall a few days ago to get out of the house, let the kids play together and get some nice adult conversation squeezed in there. I have 3 children, she has 3 and is expecting numero 4 soon. I shared with her a quote I read in the Reader's Digest, "Want to know what it's like to have 4 children? Pretend you are drowning and have someone throw you a 4th child." Hahaha. Oh come on, it's funny!

Well, she only shared a light chuckle. Turns out Faith's mother told her that this is the best time of her life. I said, "Well, every time is the best time of your life. There are things happening right now in this stage of life you will never be able to have again. Every stage has something like that. They are each the best time of your life." Faith pointed out what she'll miss when her children are older and how at some point, it will be the final time you are ever pregnant. Those are significant milestones for mommies!

So I stated my feel-good (though I do believe it) thought, finished my Japanese (yummy) mall food and moved on to stashing my monkeys in the van. And then I started thinking: WAIT. WHAT IF THIS REALLY IS THE BEST TIME IN MY LIFE? And I thought about all I have now that I won't have later; all the positive ones:
time with just me and the kids on a daily basis
an immeasurable amount of influence over their little selves
almost exclusive control over what those kids are exposed to and influenced by
chances to snuggles sleepy babies
light kisses on warm foreheads unmarred by acne, oil or a scrunch as the mom leans in for a kiss
the chance to carry them down the stairs when they are tired
the chance to cuddle them on my lap when they are sick
being stronger and faster
watching a face light up when they learn something new
being able to get a smile just by pretending to be scared when they "sneak" up on me
saying, "You're going to eat those," being enough to see the carrots vanish
watching their little bums jiggle as they run away laughing when they should be in the bath

Really. What if THIS is THE BEST time in all of my life??? I have plans for the future (a few actually), believe me. I want to learn French and with a newly attained nursing degree do charity work in Haiti. I want to get a nursing degree, combine it with my counseling degree and make buckets of money in the US prescribing psychiatric meds. I want to travel Europe with my automatic vacation partner (he knows who he is). I want to be a nurse midwife. I want to really learn how to sing and participate in the church choir. I want to have time to make my church lessons all cute with visual aids. I want to cuddle my grandkids and worry over how their parents are bringing them up. I want to nag my husband about renovating the house and adding a back deck. I want to wake up to the sun rising in my backyard and see nothing else besides it and the field.

I have all these wonderful plans. All these amazing and beautiful and exciting things I've wanted to do forever and new ones that develop as life goes along. ALL of these things I consciously chose to put on hold when I became a mother. I chose to dedicate my time, talents and energies to raising the most well-adjusted, kind, contributing members of society I could muster. (Perhaps the most telling sign is that a decided to not let getting up at all hours of the night bother me. And then I worked until that decision came to pass.) I knew my life was essentially having the "pause" button pushed. But what if I was wrong? What if this really is it? What if this is the best time of my life? That no matter what castle I finally get to visit or child I am blessed to vaccinate or car I'm able to afford  or hours of sleeping in ever compares to what I do now on a daily basis? If that's legit then I can't let this pass by!!!

I need to soak it up and enjoy each second! If you knew you were eating THE BEST steak ever produced and this would be the only time you would ever spend the money to eat it, would you not savor each and every bite??!!!?!?!?! You'd gently cut it into small pieces (I don't advocate doing that to children), skewer each one on your fork (again, not advocating) individually, place it on your tongue and close your eyes as you chewed (yet again...). Well, that's what I'd do anyway. (Can you tell I wish I'd ordered steak tonight instead of chicken?) I read an article once on how adults with children are more stressed than those without. BUT in the long run, they are happier.

See, all these other plans I have sound wonderful, but I just don't see how when it comes down it, they will ever compare with those giggles and smiles and scribbled paper. Maybe it's because they are all asleep right now.... but really, I just don't get how it could compare. There is a tremendous truth to each time period being the best in your life, but I think I'm living my peak. Glad I realized it before it is too late to appreciate.

day 1 of tv after nap times

Today was the first day I banned all television watching until after nap time, which means 3pm at the earliest. A few predicted (p) things happened and a few unexpected (u).

In the morning the kids kept asking me to watch television (p). Joel screamed (his new thing since he witnessed Katherine's episode of steroid psychosis earlier this week, fun times) about not getting to watch "Boo's Due's" AKA Blues Clues (p). I almost gave in a few times (p). I kept looking at the clock counting down minutes to nap time (u - HEY! I didn't say unexpected couldn't have been predicted). Katie asked me several times if she could wake up Joel (p). The evening was more chaotic (u) - hoping this is a result of it being an unusual day for us, not tv time moving. Less tv was watched (u). More fighting in the morning (p). Free pedicure for mommy (u)!

I enlarged it so you can more fully appreciate the artwork. :-) Joel did his, Katie did hers and Joel did mine. It was fun to remind Katie that she used to paint my toenails too. "When I was two?" "Yes, when you were two."

My husband is a nerd. He claims I only say this because I haven’t seen the people he attends school with in the digital media department. I say, there are gradients of nerd and his friends’ greater nerdiness does not make him a non-nerd. Hopefully this gives you context to understand why when he took the two older ones to school this week, they came home with 3 animated movies: Pinocchio, The Hobbit (or "Habit" if you're Katherine) and Lord of the Rings. So they are all trying to finish The Hobbit and watch Lord of the Rings when I make a run to the store for more pot stickers since Joel is willing to eat them and Aaron wanted Chinese food. At the store I run into a friend who reminds me that the Trunk-or-Treat (like a safe trick-or-treat in a parking lot) is happening in fifteen minutes. Being sick all week (in fact, I'm still sick but these antibiotics are whispering sweet lies in my ears), I had completely forgotten about it. I go back and forth but ultimately decide to take the kids for a little while.

I shut the door to my van so you couldn't see the mess. :-)

Getting home with five minutes to spare, this is what we end up with. A pink unicorn (I didn’t even bother to suggest a different outfit to go under the costume) and a male cheerleader. Okay, honestly, Joel doesn’t care. Last year I made him go as a “Handsome Vampire” (sparkly skin and all!) because he’s handsome and I figured this year he’d have an opinion. But really, he doesn’t care yet. We were discussing ideas out loud and I mentioned pom-poms and he was all thrilled about that. A few weeks ago, he wanted to be a lion. Whatever. We wrote the local high school’s letters on his cheeks, grabbed a backpack (since he's in high school, duh, like totally) and off we went! And I don’t think we coughed on anyone. 

After 35 minutes it was home to finish what ended up being dinner (thank you, honey) and the rest of the movie. So it was a little chaotic because the evening was less organized and probably because I don't love the noise of tv. So while my kids were less obnoxious, my quieter time of the day was less quiet. 

Still, most days I think the later tv viewing will help distract during the chuck of time usually devoted to dinner prep, some clean up and nursing. Since they needed baths tonight that cut further into tv time and they watched less than the allotted 1.5hrs. That was a plus.

loathing proactively

Loathing, not as in the song from Wicked but as in the days following June 21st, when the day light gets smaller and smaller and smaller until BAM! It looks like midnight at 5:30pm! I'm from FL and perhaps this is just a things-are-better-in-memory symptom but I do NOT recall growing up being bored out of my mind at 5:30 because it is dark and you're stuck inside. But now I live in UT and adjustments must be made.

Yesterday was one of those loathed winter days. It was overcast, we were (are) all sick and the kids were just getting to each other and me. So I decided to be proactive. We melted some chocolate, dipped in pretzel rods and then rolled the rods in mini reeses pieces. Not as visually spectacular as I'd envisioned but they still tasted good. After the chocolate hardened a tiny bit we loaded in the van and headed out to "ghost" two of our neighbors. [Ghosting is a "thing" where you anonymously drop off a treat at two homes. Attached to the treat is a paper explaining that they have been "ghosted" and now they are to make two copies, tape the paper in their window or door - so as to not be re-ghosted - and ghost two other homes. It's fun. We got caught both times so obviously our ninja skills are lacking.]

Then it was done. [Twiddle thumbs...] "Hey! You guys want to take the car to get a bath?" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" So we drove through the car wash. The last time we did this, Joel found it terrifying. This time, he found it fascinating. Drive-thru van washes may become a weekly event here!

reading "boos cues" as Joel calls it :-) Well, Clare might be trying to eat it.

Then it was done and we came back home and we were in the exact same situation we were prior to the chocolate mess on my counter. How did that not suck up more time? [Twiddle thumbs... nothin.] [Check clock... 1.5hrs to go. Holy crap.] As it turns out, at some point before bed all three kids ended up on my lap (a feat made possible by illness and a recliner) and I spent 30 minutes singing songs I could remember from my childhood. I don't know, I think the last time Joel sat still for 30 minutes was when Br. Marvin allowed Joel to sit on his lap during Sacrament meeting. It ended up being real nice. Too bad I can't sing for 30 minutes every day.

I have a new plan of action. Starting tomorrow, the television is not allowed on until AFTER Joel gets up from his nap. The kids seem to have an easier time entertaining themselves without fighting in the morning, so why waste tv time during this golden hour? We'll see how it goes.

take care of yourself

I spent a few years as a therapist after graduation, and more time in the profession while a student. As I worked, I noticed that I had to detox after I got home. Aaron was often gone since he stayed on base days and days at a time but if he was home, my detox time could cause a problem until it was defined and respected. See, taking care of people and being "on" for 10 hours a day sucks a lot of life force from a person. I think it is especially difficult for introverts like myself. It is just so draining. (So try a minimum of 13 hours plus a few late-night/early-morning calls.) Way back then my husband and I discussed this need of mine and figured out ways to make it work. Fast forward half a decade and a person is bound to forget things!

It took me a while tonight to figure out why (and it's true as horrible as it sounds) I just didn't care anymore. I was maxed out. You have a problem? Sorry. I just don't care. I can't do any more caring. It is Tuesday and since Saturday I have been going, going, going with a party (a huge energy sucker for me right there), sick kids, 4 trips to the doctor in 4 days (2 of those after-hours), a panic moment this morning when my son couldn't breath right, feeling sick myself and just so many other little things that seem so much larger in real life.

I think what sucked up my last few drops of compassion was Joel whining for hours this afternoon for me to pick him up. It was just sucky all around because Clare is also not feeling well and she's only 6 months so she also wants to be held. Today happened to be the day that the applesauce needed to be made. Who knew my crazy monster of a son would be just the right amount of sick to want his mommy. So I just wanted to cuddle with him but could only steal moments. And the whining, oh the whining (have you had enough of mine yet?). I think I have a moderate to high tolerance of whining, but it does get to me and after a whole afternoon of it, I was on edge.

You know, we nearly got a puppy twice before having babies but both times I dragged my feet. Why? Because I didn't want to have to take care of something! I know, I know! Why in the world was a drawn to the counseling field? And why did I have children? Good questions, but much to complex to address in this post. Oh, as it relates to not wanting to take care of others? See, I think part of the appeal of therapy is to not care for others week after week, but watch and assist as they learn to care for themselves! And children? I hope they don't look back and seem this mother bird pushing them out of the nest before their wings were even dry, but I want them to be independent! Only part of me sees something wrong when a 4-year-old will get up and get herself breakfast on the odd day that I'm still in bed. Yay that she knows how to do it! So long as she feel nurtured in other ways, I think it's great!

So to summarize, the past few days have taken their toll on this mother. I can not and will not be of much value to myself or anyone else if I don't take care of me. My mental state tonight has clued me in that I need to do just that. So I'm getting off now, taking a HOT shower and climbing into bed. And who knows, if the shower rejuvenates, I may even read something fun before I drift off to sleep.

speading the horror feels good

Last year a friend of ours was in a nursing home/rehab place. One one of our visits there we dropped off a hand-drawn leaf colored in with glued pieces of Fall leaves. Then we noticed her neighbor and I got to thinking. So we dropped one off for her as well. She oohhed and awwwed over it, speaking with a thick German accent that was lovely to listen to. On one of our next visits I peeked into the neighbor's room. She was asleep, but that leaf was hanging on her bulletin board.

This week at Clare's Primary Children's Hospital visit I noticed a little craft set out for kids to do in the waiting room (I HEART Primary Children's for this, and the man who was sanitizing everything in said waiting room). It looked simple and fun enough that I thought we might give it a try here. And I think we might just make a few extra to distribute at the rehab place - when my children aren't walking petri dishes.

supplies

Supplies consist of paper plates with the middles cut out so they look kind of like wreaths (because that's the idea). Paper to cut shapes out of and glue.

VOILA! 

(Aaron helped me with the bats.)

And I know some of you more particular people can make it look 10 times better. Spread some Halloween Horror! Serving is fun!

coconut ice cream

What's the male version of a geisha? I don't know, but whatever it is, my husband has been epitomizing it for the past few days.

Thursday night (okay, we all know it was really Friday morning) I woke up frequently feeling sick. When I got up Friday, boy was I sick. Throwing up tons followed by aches and soreness. It was yucky. I rarely get this type of sickness and thank goodness. My husband is almost never home this semester and I'm grateful my illness fell on a day when he was home AND felt able to help out. What a lot of people don't understand is that even when Aaron is home, he's often not available because he does his projects from home. So we try to leave him alone.

 I woke him up Friday to express my need for help. I need to remember that when my husband is half asleep he doesn't say the things he'd normally say when fully awake (he stays up until 4am to work while the kids are in bed). So after being basically told that he would not be able to help me, I suffered in silence a little while longer. Fast forward... Aaron remembers almost nothing of that conversation but the rest of the day he entertained the kids, took them out, brought Clare to me when she needed to nurse, encouraged me to take a warm bath, asked how I was whenever he heard me loosing my bile and brought me saltines and powerade.

That night I tried to go to bed early but Joel woke up sick and I was chilly. So Aaron came and cuddled with me (can I get a sweet "Ahhhhhhhh"), only taking slight advantage of my sickened state (TMI?).

Saturday was Katie's b-day party and my trip with Joel to the doctor for croup. Katie comes with me to the doctor (because she likes going there for whatever odd-ball reason) but Clare is asleep so I leave her with Aaron. I'm gone LESS THAN AN HOUR, planning to nurse her as soon as I get home and what do I find? An empty cradle, a missing husband and no second car. I. FREAK. OUT. See, I have this thing about feeding my children. Should the time come when I can not feed their bellies, I may literally go insane. It is the most basic "job" of a mom! So basic, in fact, that nature has even provided a way for my body to make food for my babies! And he wouldn't answer his phone! Anyway, it was an unpleasant experience for this mom but it did result in my anxious energy out-letting on the dirty dishes. So that's good, right?

I’ve been forbidden to consume dairy for over a month now. Every time husband waves a doughnut in my face asking if I want a bite and then remember I can’t have a bit, I think he’s struck with some kind of guilt. He has been on the hunt for a dairy-free “treat” as he calls it since the first week. So I thought I’d help him out. 

A friend told me about coconut ice cream Sunflower Market sells that is supposedly divine. I texted her asking her to tell him about it. She did, but he didn't mention it to me which leads me to believe that he has yet to discover that I know about the ice cream. I'm expecting a "HEY!!!!" from the other room any minute now...

So where was he Saturday afternoon with my hungry baby (who apparently did not act hungry while out and about with her papa)? Getting me ice cream. What a sweet man. See Robyn (my mother-in-law), one less thing for you to apologize for. :-)

Oh, and the ice cream? Fab-u-lous. 

katie turns five (the party part)

Katherine's b-day is November 8 but in UT I try to celebrate it early (like September if I can swing it) for two reasons 1) we have a small home and trying to fit more than 8 kids in it is crazy, 2) spreads the gift giving out a little more. This year the party landed on today, October 22.

Hahaha. Last night Aaron asked Joel if he was going to have fun at the party. Joel responded, "Yeah. Dake." (As in "Cake".) Hahahaha. 

farm party mud cake = pudding with a gummy worm covered in cookie crumbles

 
Katherine wanted a farm party (like when she turned 3). I did what I could to talk her out if it over the period of weeks but when I informed her that we don't really know anyone with baby animals right now and her response was, "Then we can have mommy and daddy animals!" I gave in. Farm parties take work because I have to scrounge up animals! So I got a promises of a goat from one friend and bunnies and kittens from another. Great. Okay.

Then yesterday hits. I woke up several times feeling sick and when the morning rolled around, I was still ill. It took half the day for me to vomit up whatever my body thought needed to be expelled and the next half was spent in aches and pains. THANK GOODNESS Aaron was home and willing to help with the kids. I needed to heal. But the only party prep I did was to cut out pig noses. Thankfully, I'd already purchased everything needed and gotten game ideas from my sister and had a rough idea of how things needed to run because I was party-useless on Friday.

place your hands behind your back and try to bite the apple. hahaha

So this Saturday morning rolls around and we get the rest of the stuff set up. The idea is simple: move the kitchen table (actually a patio table that folds - yay!) outside, cover with paper, prep prizes, prep mud desserts, clear off concrete area (I've given up hope it will be clean), prep games, gather animals. Okay, go. My sister-in-law came over just to help and Katherine was all to happy to pitch in.

kiddos ready to catch their coins and get a prize. Or Joel in the background there bypassing the coin catching part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the morning turned out to be a tad stressful. First off, things were taking a while to get done. THEN my friend who had promised the bunnies and kitties (and her children who my daughter invited) texted to inform me that they are out of town. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!. But I can go get the bunnies at least from their backyard. Okay, fine. Drive up and am met not by two cute bunnies but a huge mastiff. So I call and get my friend's husband, "Um, there is a dog in your backyard." "Do you have a t-bone?" Sorry, I know we haven't interacted much and I realize this is going to leave you with a poor impression of me but I'm low on a sense of humor this morning. "Her name's Harley. You should be fine if she's not growling at you." Get out of car, approach fence, talk to dog, let myself in, barked at by dog, growled at by dog, let myself out. Then I get to explain to Katherine that there will be no bunnies. She's already taken the blows that her three good friends and two cousins won't be coming but now she looks really disappointed. My girl does what she does best and gathers information to come up with solutions. The dog growled because Harley didn't know you? Oh, well, she knows me, "I can go get the bunnies." "Uh, sorry, honey, I'm not sending you into the back yard with the dog."

puddind-up Joel and Snowflake

 But things worked out. Another friend let us borrow their bunny on the spur of the moment (THANK YOU!), the kittens were done without and the goat arrived a little later. People arrived, mud was eaten, prizes were picked, a pig was nosed, apples were bitten (that was entertaining), farm animals were frozen and gifts were unbagged (I think ours were the only wrapped ones in the bunch). I am grateful to all who made my big girl's party special.

"Hmm. What will I find in here?"

When planning a party for a kid it's important to remember that it is their party and really the only thing that matters is if she enjoyed it. Katie thought it was great so I call that a success.

our week of um.... geology

I was browsing the Utah Education Curriculum website, checking out where I needed to focus Katherine and I came across something about rocks and dirt. I thought it was hi-lar-i-ous. Rocks? Dirt? Part of the state curriculum. hahahaha. Then I post it on facebook thinking it's all so funny and someone labels it for me: geology. FAIL. But moving past that... I created a bit of a unit for the week. Katherine was super excited - especially when she got to smash up rocks to make dirt. But what really caught me off guard was how stoked Joel was! I ended up making him his own little book too! Such a cutie.

I (as teacher) started by checking out several books from the local (tiny) library to give me some guidance and ideas. 

I had her start by going into the yard and finding a rock that would be her favorite. Then she drew a picture in her Rock Book.

One of our first activities was to go outside and collect various types of dirt. Honestly, I was nervous that we wouldn’t find the target amount of 4. But there were plenty to go around! (Look at teacher bein' teached!) We glued samples in the squares and discussed what makes dirt different. We smashed rocks into dirt. Katie was amazed to learn that rocks can make dirt. We (uh, I do me “we”) learned about “ORGANIC MATTER” and how that contributes to soil as well. Joel had a great time with the gluing and smashing.

check out those great samples!

We (well, this time I mean Katie) also dug a hole and put the dirt in one of Aaron’s sacred peanut butter jars (the man likes to drink out of them and that’s fine but he insists on having at least 2 AND THEY TAKE UP SO MUCH SPACE!) (still, I swear I would have used something else if I’d had a suitable container). Then we filled the other half with water and shook it up. Then swung it back and forth. Oh, I guess we put the cover on after adding the water - don't forget that part. Over the next several days we watched as the debris settled and layers formed. We talked about this and Katie drew a picture of her observations in her Rock Book (which she noted is just like what Sid the Science Kid [PBS] does!).

I also (kind of forced since she was a taaaaad tired that day and becomes leeeeess cooperative with tired) had Katie flip through a book with beautiful photos of rocks, gems, land forms. We discussed what she saw and I pointed out some of my favorite stones; including the ones on my engagement ring, just to drive it home a bit. I didn’t think she needed to read about all of those. I just wanted her to see how diverse and wonderful these creations are. I wanted her to get a feel for what is out there and how cool this world really is. Grumpy at the beginning but impressed by the end, I think it was a success.