Upon the birth of our third child, an incredible and purple baby girl, we learned she has Trisomy 21 (aka Down Syndrome). After nearly 3 months of being blessed to be her mother, the follow thoughts occurred to me and I wrote this:
My very first thought about Clare's diagnosis was something along the lines of "I don't want to deal with this!" It took me a full 24 hours to call her "pretty" (which crushes me now because she just is so beautiful) because I didn't want to say it until I meant it. And the child grew on me. :-) It's odd, as a mom, to love a baby but to have to learn to look past a difference. A friend said that you grieve for the child you thought you would have (whether that be boy/girl, or special needs/typically developing). And it's true. I needed to do that, but at the same time I fell in love with this perfect little being.
Tonight I realized I could say with 100% certainty that if given the chance I would not remove that extra chromosome. Not because it would change who Clare is; I believe I would have fall in love with this child regardless of her number of chromosomes. No, I wouldn't change the DS if I could just because I don't see it as bad. I just see it as is. Like hair color. Now, I am sure this has something to do with the fact that so far - thank you, Lord - we have not dealt with the medical problems too often associated with the genetic abnormality, and I always reserve the right to change my mind. But right now, I would not change a thing. I wouldn't make Katie shorter or Joel more handsome or Clare with fewer chromosomes because those things just are and they are okay. I'm sure most people don't understand. And hey, up until today I wouldn't have even believed to hear someone say it. But I mean it.
Perhaps part of it is because of acceptance. Acceptance of differences, of life circumstances beyond my control, of others, of myself just as we are has never been a strong point. But I have strived for improvement for more than a decade now and maybe this is just another step on that path. To see this little girl and accept her, all of her. Not in the "sure you can join our group because we're gonna be nice to you despite the fact that we don't like something about you so we'll try to ignore it" sense of acceptance. But REAL acceptance. The kind where you don't even see the difference. "What? There is a difference? Just thought it was another way of being human, didn't even think of it as "different"" kind of acceptance.
Cliche or not, having her in my life has already taught me a great deal. Scratch that. More significantly, I've had to grow a great deal. I don't even think I've noticed all that much because generally growth in my life has been painful. This doesn't hurt at all. It's amazing and wonderful and I'm loving it. She's wonderful and I love her.
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| my babe at nearly 8 months |
My very first thought about Clare's diagnosis was something along the lines of "I don't want to deal with this!" It took me a full 24 hours to call her "pretty" (which crushes me now because she just is so beautiful) because I didn't want to say it until I meant it. And the child grew on me. :-) It's odd, as a mom, to love a baby but to have to learn to look past a difference. A friend said that you grieve for the child you thought you would have (whether that be boy/girl, or special needs/typically developing). And it's true. I needed to do that, but at the same time I fell in love with this perfect little being.
Tonight I realized I could say with 100% certainty that if given the chance I would not remove that extra chromosome. Not because it would change who Clare is; I believe I would have fall in love with this child regardless of her number of chromosomes. No, I wouldn't change the DS if I could just because I don't see it as bad. I just see it as is. Like hair color. Now, I am sure this has something to do with the fact that so far - thank you, Lord - we have not dealt with the medical problems too often associated with the genetic abnormality, and I always reserve the right to change my mind. But right now, I would not change a thing. I wouldn't make Katie shorter or Joel more handsome or Clare with fewer chromosomes because those things just are and they are okay. I'm sure most people don't understand. And hey, up until today I wouldn't have even believed to hear someone say it. But I mean it.
Perhaps part of it is because of acceptance. Acceptance of differences, of life circumstances beyond my control, of others, of myself just as we are has never been a strong point. But I have strived for improvement for more than a decade now and maybe this is just another step on that path. To see this little girl and accept her, all of her. Not in the "sure you can join our group because we're gonna be nice to you despite the fact that we don't like something about you so we'll try to ignore it" sense of acceptance. But REAL acceptance. The kind where you don't even see the difference. "What? There is a difference? Just thought it was another way of being human, didn't even think of it as "different"" kind of acceptance.
Cliche or not, having her in my life has already taught me a great deal. Scratch that. More significantly, I've had to grow a great deal. I don't even think I've noticed all that much because generally growth in my life has been painful. This doesn't hurt at all. It's amazing and wonderful and I'm loving it. She's wonderful and I love her.
Tender.
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