what makes a mother?

"So, random thought, I know, but I was just thinking how I knew you before you were a mother, but in my mind you've always been one. Maybe it's just because you're such a natural at it. I hope when people see me they see me as a mother, not just a person with a kid. That is all. :)" 

My sister-in-law posted this on my FB wall. One of the sweetest things anyone has ever written on my "wall", or said out-loud for that matter. While partially awake this morning it got me thinking. Are some parents just people with a kid? Have I ever thought of someone as just a person with a kid? What makes a mother a mother or a father a father? What is that vital piece of the puzzle?

So I thought of one of the worst examples of parenting I could come up with. It happened while I was out with one of my clients in the community. This would have been 2006 or 2007 in North Carolina. As I remember it, a mom was talking to a friend and tried to get a young girl's attention. The girl didn't seem to hear her as she was several houses away. The mother went into some kind of rage but she didn't stop. She just kept verbally beating this little girl down, in public, for all of us to watch. I just kept thinking, "You're the kind of mom whose kid beats up mine in school." It stayed with me. But I've still always thought of that woman as a mother.

But now I'm an over-tired, over-worked, stressed-out, running-mad parent myself. Okay, not everything am I all these things but there are times for certain. I have verbally beat a child down now and again. I've even hit them a few times against my better judgment. Generally, whatever happens in public is thought to escalate at home and, sadly, I've certainly been my worst in the walls of my own home. But I still feel like a mother.

Feeling... heart... perhaps that is where the distinction lies.

When we love our children and the sum total of our actions based on love out weigh the ones stemming from stress or frustration. Maybe then? When we love our children and our intentions are pure even when the resulting actions are not so grand. Maybe then? I don’t know.

One thing's for sure, I'm not qualified to make that judgment. Most people just do their best. And these babies need our best. They need our devotion and care and love. They need a solid foundation from which to build. And each parent's best is different. And each parent's abilities vary. That is okay. With all our imperfections, we still get to be mothers and fathers.