a missed lesson: nobody's fault

I've added a 3rd most stressful time of the day. (And yes, you can have 3 most. For example, I have 3 children and each is my most favorite.) It is the time when the older two need to get ready for bed and the baby's eyes are red because she's so tired. I sneak into a dark room, wrap her up, kiss her forehead and lay her on my lap while I search the web and rock my legs. (Hey, it works for us.) Doesn't sound too stressful right? Well, add the other ingredients of a 2-year-old cat (or a boy who thinks he's a cat **meoooooow**) and a sensitive teen, uh, 5-year-old and a small house. STRESSFUL because the baby is just almost asleep with the cat comes in meowing loudly while the big girl whines because she can't get the toothpaste on her toothbrush... you get the picture.Cute, nutcases...

Tonight things aren't any worse than normal and then Katie starts really crying. The hurt cry. And Joel's laughing. Apparently, Katherine was leaning on the bathroom door and Joel opened it "on purpose!", she fell and hurt her wrist.
"Can you move it?" "No!" (As she bends it.)
"Okay, keep getting dressed and we'll go from there."
[sob] "Okay!"

The oldest child then goes into the hallway and is confronted by a concerned brother who wants to make sure she is okay. She tells him she doesn't want him to talk to her and that he hurt her.

Now I'm still not quite sure how to deal with this "victim" thinking. It irritates me so I know I have my own personal stuff that flavors my perception of what she's doing. But come on! You were leaning on the door! So, the baby's still on my lap but I say something anyway.

"Katie. I don't think he meant to hurt you."
"Yeah huh. He saw me."
"Honey, you were leaning on the door! He didn't know you would fall when he opened it."

Baby goes to sleep (sweet angel that she is) and we continue with the bedtime routine. And she brings it up again.

In all honesty, I can't now recall how the revelation came but at some point during my "you were leaning on the door" and "he didn't know it was going to hurt you" the light bulb clicked on and Katherine's face changed, "You mean its no body's fault that I got hurt?!" All my "what ifs" and "well maybes" and need for accuracy got shoved down as I said, "Yes."

I don't know if it was anyone's fault? I don't feel qualified to judge that in this situation. What struck me was the questions: Have I missed teaching her that lesson? Because yes, sometimes it is no body's fault. There isn't always blame to go throwing around.

This experience coincides with how lately I've reflected on the ways I respond when Katie states I've injured or damaged her in some way. The little ones are taking their ques from me and I really don't know how to react exactly. Mostly I validate her feeling and move on without accepting the responsibility... uh, even if it really was kind of maybe my fault she missed out on something or I hurt her somehow.

So I don't want to accept too much responsibility thereby reinforcing the idea of being a victim but I don't want to model not being accountable for my own actions. Perhaps, I'll just be straightforward and upfront. Duh, that makes perfect sense.

Still, sometimes things happen and its no body's fault.