Think of Life Like a Novel

How is yours narrated? 

I prefer to view life from both a first and third person perspective. I find it useful in dealing with perceptions, realities (yes, plural) and mostly in self checks and balances. 

First person is the mode I spend most of my life in. It is life through my eyes and when thoughts form words, it kind of sounds like a teenage girl whining. Hahaha. Just kidding!

I imagine third person to be my wiser self or a neutral third (coincidence?) party floating above me looking down. Or perhaps watching a movie of my life. What does this person see? This person takes in a much bigger picture than MY perception allows. This is why I find consulting with her to be helpful in all sorts of situations.

For example, yesterday ended with a full hour (exaggeration?) of my grumping at my son and ultimately taking off part of his cardboard house's window ("tearing apart our creation" sounds so much more emotionally abusive). Go ahead and judge, it wasn't my finest hour (but know I did warn him first and it wasn't done in front of him or in a fit of rage or the like). I was feeling pretty miserable myself... ate some candy to confirm that. I love that boy dearly and in my quest to get through to him!!!!! I went too far. That sick feeling in your chest? Knowing you hurt a cherished child? Yuck. First person.

Third person. Well, that was pretty crappy. The extreme action did not produce a positive change in observable behavior (thus far) and that poor little boy has his heart broken. But she is a good mom and he knows she loves  him. They have enough positive deposits in the bank to cover this withdrawal. Tomorrow is a new day, I hope they both forgive and move on to better things.

Wow. Third person is a lot more tolerable than first person!

Let's look at family dysfunction as an example. 

It seems that no matter how old one becomes, returning home rewinds time and suddenly you are that 5, 7 or 12-year-old again. Take a deep breath, this is normal. Take a deeper one, it is uber difficult to overcome. The roles we are assigned in Family of Origin are ingrained, and hard to break. It can leave each puppet feeling trapped. But step back/up/aside into  third person. Third person sees the dysfunction for what it is. She (my third person is female, what about yours?) recognizes that EACH person plays a role in keeping each other person trapped in their assignment. Third person sees the triangulation, defense mechanisms, unfair fighting techniques, addictive behavior traits, victimization, and on and on. And third person sees how they all intertwine to create the liveliest Thanksgiving Dinner you swear you will never attend again (until you do). 

Perhaps most important to long-term progression, third person points her finger at me too. She can see how maybe I do toss out the Victim Card a little too quickly when I suspect I was wrong. And how I tend to talk first to the people I know will agree with me. She takes note of the individuals teaming against another that I allow when it is in my favor and... well, that is about it, that is all the dysfunction my subconscious is allowing awareness of tonight. But third person doesn't judge. There is no positive purpose or progression in judging. Third person just notates. She also flys next door and notes the exact same stuff happening over there as well.

I think we all need third person! She is a welcomed guest to place things into proper perspective or help with self reflection! Maybe she can't write the whole novel of your life, but perhaps she could get a paragraph or two at the conclusion of each chapter. Huh? How about it? Give her a try. How does third person see the events in your life today?

[Don't do Third Person well? That is okay, there are these great people I know called therapists. They can help you out. :-)]

Shopping with children = ice cream. Life of Pi style

Shopping with children = ice cream. Life of Pi style

Today's post is about how shopping with children will get you ice cream. Let's examine how this strange phenomenon happens. You decide which one really happened. 

Scenario 1

2/3 of the children you have dragged through the store coordinate a plan of attack - displaying their sharpe intelligence - that results in half a display displayed on the floor. This is the end of your rope and in a fit of desperation you grab a box of ice cream sandwiches and promise a reward if they will just hold onto the cart! You swear off grocery shopping with kids ever again. Oh, and later you realize the baby took bites of an apple while she sat quietly in the cart. But hey, at least she was quiet.

Scenario 2

At the start of your trip your only son announces he (Batman) "will help the ladies" and he opens the door for another shopper. Your oldest and youngest play together in the cart and their laughs of joy bring smile after smile to your face. It is one of those chunks of hours where everything is beautiful and you feel so blessed to be a parent. The trip home involves ice cream and song.

Scenario 3

The older off spring spend much of their time working up a sweaty running up and down the aisles. Sure, you "yell" once or twice or five times when they go out of sight but it is pretty funny to see them playing so well together. The baby turns herself around in the cart and seems thrilled by being able to see where all are going. At check out an elderly man stops you and says, "Maybe you can help me." He goes on to explain that he is traveling and can't possibly eat all 12 of these ice cream sandwiches. He opens the box, removes 4 and you accept the rest. On the way home, you figure the man saw how awesome you and the kids were and wanted to reward you guys.

So what do you think? :-)

Flowers for Rebecca

I don't know why this experience came to mind recently so I don't know where 
this blog post is headed, but I want to write about it. Care to go on this 
adventure with me? Some of it is painful.

I was 19, away from home at college and not feeling too great about myself. 
Truth was, prior to leaving FL to finish my bachelor's in UT, I was pretty 
popular with the boys. Cute, sassy, hard-to-get, blond, just needy enough and 
intelligent. Well, within my first semester at BYU things changed and I suddenly 
felt out of place, out of sorts, uncomfortable in my own skin and grumpy.

The event in speculation was a social gathering at a ward member's apartment. It 
was packed. Like, nearly uncomfortably so. Mingling, drinking (need I say "of 
punch"?), laughing, the works. At some point I sat down next to a gal in the 
middle of the love seat leaving enough space for another warm body. And I 
waited. I waited a while. I waited so long that my cynical self turned the 
situation into a negative self-affirming social experiment.

Turning to the girl next to me, I pointed out that in this very crowded room, no 
one was sitting next to me. I said, "I bet that if you switch seats with me, 
someone will sit down next to you." She and her friends gave immediate, "Na-uh"s 
and "No way"s but she obliged, placing herself in the middle between me and an 
empty spot. And in a scene fit for the screen, in less than 15 seconds, some 
tall blond kid plopped himself right down next to her! You could see the jaws 
drop of her and her girlfriends. You could sense the tension. He could too. I 
got up and left.

I am sure most of you know exactly what I did. I went back to my apartment 
feeling horrible and sorry for myself. I cried a ugly cry and spilled the story 
to my roommates (bless their hearts, I had such wonderful roommates). Because 
what had I done? I set myself up to feel awful. I chose to take a neutral 
situation and apply horrendous meaning to it.

Fast forward to the next day. I get home from school to find that I have been 
sent flowers. First flowers ever (as an adult that didn't come from a family 
member). They were colorful and full. Attached was a card. If I have saved it, I 
don't know where it is. I wish I could recall what was written and what the poor 
kid's name was. It was an apology note. The tall blond worded it in such a way 
as to bring some peace to my mind but not make me think he was madly in love 
with me. Who knows, maybe a girl helped him. :-) 

But it was healing.

I toss this experience around in my mind from a dozen different angles. I think 
about the miserable girl who no one wanted to sit next to because she probably 
looked like a miserable person to speak to! I think of all the people who had no 
responsibility to me and my pain. I think of how much of a victim I let myself 
be. I think of those other girls and their jaws dropping open. I think about how 
even in this situation, I still savored being right. :-) I think about what I 
can give my own daughters to guard against being in that state of mind to start 
with and what I would like to see them do if no one sits next to them on a 
couch. And I think of that boy, just as much a innocent bystander as anyone 
else. He owed me no apology or flowers yet he chose to take a risk (for all he 
knew I was psycho crazy, not just sad) and extend part of himself to me. I don't 
think the kid had any real responsibility to me in this scenario, but he had 
been placed there and sought to make it right. I respect that. I think of my son 
and how I would be proud to have him respond in such a manner when it would be 
so easy to simply feel awkward and ignore the other person from there on out. I 
think about what I can do now to instill a caring and love of others so that he 
would feel the desire to help heal another's wounds, but not take on their pain. 
And I lack a magic answer but I am sure it has something to do with Christ.

make it an adventure

Yesterday we spent the holiday at my sister's in-laws (because our families are cool like that). Going there is a treat for my kids because the house is big, it has its own special play room, a sprinkler was involved, an uncle plays with them, cousins are around and different toys abound! In the morning I decided to have a little fun with them and ask if we should go on an adventure. Well if that didn't perk their little heads right up! It was cute to hear their ideas of an adventure - the park, the library - but mine won for sure and excitement ensued. We had a good time. Fast forward 24 hours and I needed to take a small road trip by way of highway 6 for 75-90 minutes each way... with all three angels. My biggest concern is keeping my sleep-deprived self awake while driving through the mountains, but coming in second is keeping those whiny little beasts happy. So I pulled "adventure" out of my magic hat and geared them up to be excited.  We piled into the car and the ever predictable "I'm hungry" rang out. But I was prepared with an uncommon treat at our place: graham crackers, which could be consumed after the apple slices. They were cool with that, I mean, it was graham crackers. Next on our adventure we counted the trains, both stationary and mobile, passed on our journey. This is probably Joel's favorite part. Halfway there I broke out the portable DVD player (thanks mom!) and Dr. Seuss entertained the older two the rest of the way.  Our adventure to the McDonald's playground (because my children get excited about McDonald's playgrounds) was a success and because they were pretty well behaved they got some ice cream on the way out. Talk about sticky happy (quiet) children! But the real fun happened on the way home. So, for whatever random reason, there is a replica of a train at a random stop on highway 6. I found it on accident last month. Boy was that fun. :-)  What really happened? I think I gave them a positive label to place on the experience. I think I gave them a positive way to look at the bulk of their day. I think I put out some positive energy to feed off of.  I hope I taught them something about perception and attitude. It could have been a boring 3 hour drive. But we made it into an adventure instead! It was a good reminder for me. Oh, I should mention that while at the train rest stop a real train passed by and Joel shot both hands high into the air and shouted, "Two trains! Two trains!" Cutest thing all day.

american gypsy

American Gypsy Lately, my "cardio" session distractions have included TLC and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.  Okay, at first it was like watching a train wreck (meeting your future spouse at a party designed for such a purpose) You don't want others seeing you gawk at the mess (getting married at 16 as a norm) but it is just too much devastation to look away from (girls and boys with very different rules). Then I moved onto aghast (throwing a wedding together in a week). After that it became judgment (as of that isn't obvious by now) and from there mental mocking (wedding dressing with more bling than a corner jewley store) with disbelief scattered throughout. And then it hit me today like a wet towel in the face[SNAP!]: these people are just like me! And what's more, I admire them. Let me explain. The scene was of three teen girls at the mall, looking very teen girlish indeed. Enter two teen Romanichal gypsy boys who the girls know they are not allowed to even speak to. (In fact, there were three females because one was serving as an escort as Romanichal gypsy girls are not allowed out without one.) And they obeyed their rules! These kids were living in "the world" but not being "of the world" (as they define it). I had a hearty internal laugh at myself.  In the LDS religion we have a saying about living in the world but not becoming part of the world. So we go to,work and school,and parties, yada yada... But we do,not get caught up in worldly things or ambitions. We keep our eye on the eternal prize so to speak. Well, this is the task anyway. I suddenly found myself very impressed with these teens. They are able to go to high school, dress like their peers, be all teenager goofy but still maintain their cultural practices and standards! Yeah, I am impressed for sure.   And to top it all off, they are a minority group and experience all the persecutions and ostrasizarion that comes with the territory. Again, I could relate. And these teens, this whole group of people in fact, gained my respect. It is not easy to live in a world that does not accept your world. A world that treats you as a freak and looks down upon some of your most basis practices as wrong. That takes a strong soul. And it helps to have a strong family. In fact, I found myself wanting desperately to know what the parents are doing that produce children willing to be like and obey the previous generation! I mean, maybe it's just me, but I want my kids to take on my beliefs and values. If I didnt believe  and value them, I would have passed them up long ago. These things mean so much to me and I want them to mean something to my off spring. So these gypsy moms and dads... They have something figured out.

and on that uplifting note...

My hubby was unable to find the reference for me but according to him, a newspaper article made a big deal over Mitt Romney using the word "sacrifice". Not because of what he thought needed to be sacrificed,  but because he wanted people to sacrifice. Now this got the little clock work devises in my head turning away. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Our country is in a rough, precarious spot at the moment, right? The national debt is over 15 trillion as of this month and for whatever crazy reason, it keeps getting worse! I am beginning to think that WE think it will just magically go away. Like there is a wand or a perfect presidential canidate that we can all hold on to hope for. This magical fairy president will wave his/her sparkling wand and the budget will be balanced again! Now of course I am being ridiculous, but if you have been sitting around realizing that things are going to have to change in YOUR life to get this nation out of this giant pile of dog poo, your neighbor hasn't. So share this with him and her.

Which brings me to my main question of the evening, what are YOU willing to sacrifice to shave some pennies off a number so large I can not fathom? Now wait! Stop right there!!! I know what you are doing, you brain went right to those "unnecessary" federal programs you've never had use of. But I didn't ask you what you think your neighbor should sacrifice, I asked you what YOU are willing to give up.

Are you willing too pay more for most of your processed foods so government subsidies to farmers can be cut off? Are you willing to allow your child to go uninsured so the Utah CHIP program funds can be used to pay back China? Are you willing to have your ailing father-in-law move in with you (even though your spouse's sister has a larger home and fewer kids) because there simply is not enough Medicare money to cover the cost of caring for our dear seniors? Are you willing to have a cure for cancer 10 further years away? Are you willing to sacrifice your or your child's opportunity for a public education because there is no longer a chance for student loans? And the list goes on.

"No!" right? Even as I write this I am mentally screaming it! Katie not go to college? My accident prone boy not have health coverage? "NO!" I shout. "Cut something else! We can't possibly live without those things!" But that's just it. At the point of negative 15 trillion, good things have to go. And we have to expect that every individual will be expected to sacrifice something.

I expect it to be unpleasant. I expect my heart to fight the inevitable. But what's the alternative? Pass a much larger problem onto my children and grand children? Come on now, ignoring this type of problem does not make it disappear. As Americans, we have to face up to this hard reality at some point. It is like dieting, there is no magic pill. You will cry about it and fight against it but when it comes down to it, you will have to bypass the cake and hit the treadmill if you want to lose that belly. No magic wand available. 

You are not alone. I am sad about it too. But I figure that history shows us the capacity of people to sacrifice, struggle, survive, and overcome. It is an unpleasant reality, but possible.

this is not for you, it is for someone who can't help herself

This morning I said a special prayer for the forgotten children of the world with my own children at my side. I know God has not forgotten them, but the world has. I haven’t, BUT [enter all the reasons we use for not doing something]. Immediately following that prayer I had a thought, an inspiration, an idea.

WHO:

Here is who I thought it could benefit. There is an adorable little girl named Livvy Mae. She has Down syndrome and will likely live a life of nothingness if not adopted. There is a family looking to make her their own but short on funds. [Of course they are short on funds!! These adoptions cost anywhere from $25,000-$55,000. Insane, right? It is. But until that changes, this is how it goes.] So the Herrington Family needs you and Livvy Mae needs you and these 4 girls running http://4girls4christ.blogspot.com/ need you.

These are four teenagers who are trying to raise money for someone they don’t know. I’ve been keeping an eye on their blog and I’m a little annoyed that their progress has been so slow. I mean, for $10 you can get entered into a drawing for one of the prizes they bothered to solicit, you can help save a life and bless a family AND support TEENAGERS who are actually DOING something outside of their own little sphere. I mean, come on, when was the last time you went through that much trouble for a stranger?

 They have a goal of $2000 by the end of March (it used to be the end of February, btw). They are at $320. A blessing yes, but come on people. When was the last time you blew $10 on a new shirt or a few lattes. I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy the new shirt or the fancy coffee, but as you’re passing by, could you drop $10 into the Livvy Mae bucket as well? Or bake something?

WHAT:

Let us have a bake sale. No, not just me. I said “us”. So, um, that means you.

HOW:

Here is how I thought it might work.

1)      Create a sign up sheet asking for people interested in purchasing a baked good from you. Include what you are tempting them with, the amount of slots you are willing to fill (like, I can bake 4 loaves of bread at a time, so I would probably do 4 slots) and the date you plan to deliver on your end of the bargain.

2)      Collect $5. Yes, $5 is a lot for a dozen cookies when they are $3 at the store, but, um, that’s okay, it is for charity.

3)      Then go ahead and bake away!

4)      Deliver yummy stuff.

5)      Donate the money to http://4girls4christ.blogspot.com/p/livy-mae-giveaway-donateprizes.html

THE OTHER HOW:

I know. I know. Believe me I KNOW!!! You work full-time, you’re a single parent, you have a new-born, you don’t get any time to yourself as it is, you go to school, you’re pregnant, you don’t bake, etc.

How about taking a sign up sheet into work and getting a few commitments? Have your kids help you make the bread/goods (mine do). Strap your sleeping baby to you while you add, stir and bake, bring a sheet to school with you to ask for commitments to this cause and yummy stuff. If you’re so pregnant that your belly gets in the way, stand on a stool while you knead dough or stir something up. If you don’t bake then there are these amazing things called no-bake cookies. Give them a shot.

Stuck on what to make? I have an muffin recipe I’m happy to share. I have a few really good cookie recipes I’ll type up. I make a yummy cinnamon bread if anyone’s interested in doing bread.

WHEN:

Well, when you can before the end of March, but let’s shoot for next week. Or the week after. Set a date for yourself and do it.

So, I can’t do this all on my own. Aaron and I have already donated to Livvy Mae through these girls. I need your help and you need to get in the kitchen and do something. I really am asking this of you and I really am expecting it. Sorry, but I am because it is so important. If you don’t step up to the plate this time, I’ll be hounding you next time, I promise. I promise I'll hound you and I promise there will be a next time.

*If you’re in need of some motivation and you’re interested in learning about the kind of life Livvy has to look forward to where she is, contact me.

** Their donate button does not show up on mobile devices (smartphone, iPad) for whatever reason.

*** I’d love to hear how your baking goes. Remember, it’s not for you. It’s for someone who can’t help herself.